Abusive relationships are a lot more common that we'd like to think. If you didn't live it yourself, we can guarantee that you know a few loved ones who did. From manipulation to violence, the spectrum of abusive relationships is extremely wide, making it blurry in some cases to realize you're stuck in one.
In our line of work, many women come to us after leaving abusive relationships, as a way to reclaim their bodies and confidence. Their stories have inspired us to host our first exhibit to raise funds against domestic violence, and we had a conversation with Eden in the process, who kindly shared her story with us. We hope it will help give clarity to someone who may need it.
An abusive relationship gradually sneaks up on you before you know it.
It is safe to say that we have all stayed in situations that didn't feel quite right. We saw the red flags. We felt that sinking feeling in our stomachs. But yet, we found excuses and forgot about it all when the sun was shining. Until it didn't.
"Abuse does not look one exact way.” Eden says “There are many ways to create control, fear, and insecurity and brute force is not always required. I frequently felt like I was the aggressor and cause of my partner's agony. Almost every sexual encounter was coercive in nature. When I would not comply, I would be met with tears, anger, hours of conversation, and accusations that I was simply withholding as a form of punishment. I was never hit but I lived in a state of constant anxiety and shame."
Growing up, especially as women, we are taught to put up with a lot of discomfort wrapped in sparkly wrapping paper.
Take something as simple as blame & guilt, for example. Both are dominant feelings, abundantly used to manipulate, yet we are not taught to pause and ask ourselves if their claims or labels are legitimate or not to begin with. We are just taught that if you feel it, there is a right reason for it.
Eden wrote the perfect example: “I was frequently accused of causing heartache while having my character smeared and being denied the right to say no. This left me feeling like a terrible person and made it easier for me to blame myself for their feelings of jealousy and rejection."
But… "why did you stay?”
The question burning the lips of outsiders. The answer? Because it's not that simple. You don't wake up one day feeling suddenly ready to end something you've worked so hard to maintain, built on excuses you believed in.
“It took me a long time to fully admit the implications of my ex-partner’s behaviour.” Eden added ”My clarity came from many individual moments. One significant one, however, was when I was telling my friend about my very last encounter with this person. I was finally being honest with them about some of the arguments and violations I had hidden.
When I turned to look at my friend, they were crying. I knew that the experience had felt wrong and I had not been able to stop thinking about it, but seeing their tears and hearing them say that this shouldn’t have happened to me was the first moment that I realized I had lost perspective.
Their reactions helped a lot. They reassured me over and over that this person was pushing boundaries, disregarding consent, and acting in an abusive manner. I felt so unsure of myself at this point but I felt that I could trust them and believe them more than myself. “
Putting an end to it, despite the blur.
We asked Eden how her relationship ended:
“I ended things. I asked my friends to help in the process. Asking them to remind me of why I was doing it, who I was outside of this relationship, and hold me to it regardless of my feelings. They texted me the whole train ride home and made me feel brave. I did it as safely as possible and blocked them when I felt ready.”
Then what? The rollercoaster of the healing process.
Just like you don't develop the courage of leaving such a relationship in one day, there is no magic button to erase all repercussions and become all smiles and giggles.
“I still actively deal with the repercussions of this relationship.
Most days I forget about them, which feels like a sort of revenge. Other days I struggle with nightmares and feelings of deep shame. It shaped how I chose partners afterwards, seeking out protection and confidence over emotional safety and a gentle nature. It also left me with physical repercussions as I developed Vaginismus during this time.
Therapy was my first real step towards healing. I needed the permission to call it what it was, because I had not felt empowered to previously. I also really put in work setting boundaries and healing my relationship with my body (exercising, doing self-care, doing boudoir shoots, refusing sex when it caused pain, etc.). My next relationship was unfortunately not a kind one, so after this I gave myself a much needed break."
Are you relating to any of this?
If so, you may want to read some of Eden's advice: "trust your intuition. Although I struggled to find clarity, there were many moments when my intuition told me I was unsafe, unhappy, and feeling violated.
I would also suggest that you believe people when they tell you who they are. Whether they outwardly label themselves as “bad” or show you through actions. You cannot heal someone through love and kindness. A dead plant won’t grow no matter how much you water it. You always deserve to come first and heartache does not last forever.
If you are losing perspective, then find an impartial third party like a counsellor or trusted person.”