What to do if you are victim of domestic abuse

Disclaimer: This blog is part of our Unstoppable project and gather all the information we could find from different sources about domestic abuse. We are not expert in this field, if you are seeking help make sure to contact the appropriate service provider: here is a list to find help across Canada.

Last month we shared with you the steps you can take to help someone who is, or could be, victim or domestic abuse. In today’s blog we will be talking about what you can do if you are the victime. Please don’t hesitate to share this blog with people who might need it.

To prevent and end domestic violence it is important to acknowledge and understand that victims never deserve, nor should be blamed for, the abuse they endure. Abusers are skilled at using power and control over their victims.

What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse, also known as “domestic violence” or “intimate partner violence”, is a pattern of behaviours used by one person to gain power and control over another person with whom they have or previously had an intimate relationship (people who are married, living together, or dating).

IT CAN IMPACT ANYONE, REGARDLESS OF GENDER, AGE, SEXUAL ORIENTATION, ETHNICITY, FAITH, EDUCATION, OR INCOME LEVEL.

Those abuse are not only physical, but also includes any sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person (such as behaviours that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone).

Source: United Nations

If you want to understand more about domestic abuse, we highly recommend the mini serie called MAID. This movie showcases very well the struggles most people victime of emotional abuse are going through:

Recognize the signs

Since domestic abuse is about controlling someone’s mind and emotions before hurting their body, the signs are not always obvious. Victimes are often confused, scared, and not able to see their partner’s actions for what they really are:

Does your partner…

• Constantly diminishes you?

• Control your money?

• Isolates you, cutting you off from friends and family?

• Physically abuses you?

• Forces you to have sex or do intimate things against your will?

• Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?

• Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?

• Blame you for how they feel or act?

• Make you feel there is no way out of the relationship?

Do you...

• Sometimes feel scared of how your partner may behave?

• Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behaviour?

• Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?

• Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?

• Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?

• Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

If any of those are happening to you, don’t feel ashamed or scared to ask for help. Abuses will not stop until until you make the courageous decision to sick help.

What to do if you are being abused?

First of all, know you are not alone, and this is absolutely not your fault!

• CALL FOR HELP

Second, making the decision to get out if this situation can be hard and scary. The best way to get help is to start giving a call to the appropriate service provider:

- Canada: Domestic Violence Helpline at 1-800-563-0808. You can find more crisis hotlines for different provinces here.

- US: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233

Always call from a friend’s house, a family’s house, or anywhere else where you feel safe. If it is an emergency, call 911.

You can also reach out to people you trust in your circle. Remember, you are not alone!

• HIDE YOUR INTERNET ACTIVITY

Internet is the perfect tool to find information that can help you make decisions about your personal situation and find help. However, closing your browser does not erase the record of your internet activities. If you are concerned that your partner may be monitoring you, you have to learn how to hide your Internet activities.

Learn how to delete cookies from your computer here, and learn more about digital privacy here.

• HAVE AN EMERGENCY ESCAPE PLAN

Taking decision to leave can be very risky for the victims as they will have a greater risk of being killed by their abuser than if they decided to stay. Having an emergency safety plan set up, before leaving or before a crisis occurs, is a very important step.

- Hide a set of car keys, and pack a bag with extra clothes, important papers, money, medicines, and toiletries. You can keep it at a friend’s house or someone you trust.

- Have a safe place to go if you decide to leave. Here you can find different shelters within Canada if you cannot go to someone you trust.

- Have a prepared excuse to leave if you feel threatened.

- Have a code word so your kids, family, friends, or co-workers know you’re in danger.

- Have a list of emergency contacts, including trusted family or friends, local shelters, and domestic abuse hotline.

Sources: Verywell Mind & WebMD

The “Signal For Help”

“Signal for Help” is a simple one-handed sign someone can use on a video call. It can help a person silently show they need help and want someone to check in with them in a safe way. You can find all of the info here!

Domestic abuse is still nowadays taboo and very commun.

It is important to learn how to help the victims. Or if you are yourself the victime, learn to gather all the tools necessary for you and your child’s safety. Not being afraid to talk about this subject is also another important step in the fight against domestic violence.

We all have a role to play! Juliette and I decided to organize an art exhibit to raise funds for the Canadian Women’s Foundation and Sistering, two charities helping people victim of domestic abuse. The grand opening night is happening this March 8th, downtown Toronto. All the donations collected will be equally divided between those two charities.

Abusive Relationships: When Clarity Hits.

Abusive relationships are a lot more common that we'd like to think. If you didn't live it yourself, we can guarantee that you know a few loved ones who did. From manipulation to violence, the spectrum of abusive relationships is extremely wide, making it blurry in some cases to realize you're stuck in one.

In our line of work, many women come to us after leaving abusive relationships, as a way to reclaim their bodies and confidence. Their stories have inspired us to host our first exhibit to raise funds against domestic violence, and we had a conversation with Eden in the process, who kindly shared her story with us. We hope it will help give clarity to someone who may need it.

An abusive relationship gradually sneaks up on you before you know it.

It is safe to say that we have all stayed in situations that didn't feel quite right. We saw the red flags. We felt that sinking feeling in our stomachs. But yet, we found excuses and forgot about it all when the sun was shining. Until it didn't.

"Abuse does not look one exact way.” Eden says “There are many ways to create control, fear, and insecurity and brute force is not always required. I frequently felt like I was the aggressor and cause of my partner's agony. Almost every sexual encounter was coercive in nature. When I would not comply, I would be met with tears, anger, hours of conversation, and accusations that I was simply withholding as a form of punishment. I was never hit but I lived in a state of constant anxiety and shame."

Growing up, especially as women, we are taught to put up with a lot of discomfort wrapped in sparkly wrapping paper.

Take something as simple as blame & guilt, for example. Both are dominant feelings, abundantly used to manipulate, yet we are not taught to pause and ask ourselves if their claims or labels are legitimate or not to begin with. We are just taught that if you feel it, there is a right reason for it.

Eden wrote the perfect example: “I was frequently accused of causing heartache while having my character smeared and being denied the right to say no. This left me feeling like a terrible person and made it easier for me to blame myself for their feelings of jealousy and rejection."

But… "why did you stay?”

The question burning the lips of outsiders. The answer? Because it's not that simple. You don't wake up one day feeling suddenly ready to end something you've worked so hard to maintain, built on excuses you believed in.

“It took me a long time to fully admit the implications of my ex-partner’s behaviour.” Eden added ”My clarity came from many individual moments. One significant one, however, was when I was telling my friend about my very last encounter with this person. I was finally being honest with them about some of the arguments and violations I had hidden.

When I turned to look at my friend, they were crying. I knew that the experience had felt wrong and I had not been able to stop thinking about it, but seeing their tears and hearing them say that this shouldn’t have happened to me was the first moment that I realized I had lost perspective.

Their reactions helped a lot. They reassured me over and over that this person was pushing boundaries, disregarding consent, and acting in an abusive manner. I felt so unsure of myself at this point but I felt that I could trust them and believe them more than myself. “

Putting an end to it, despite the blur.

We asked Eden how her relationship ended:

“I ended things. I asked my friends to help in the process. Asking them to remind me of why I was doing it, who I was outside of this relationship, and hold me to it regardless of my feelings. They texted me the whole train ride home and made me feel brave. I did it as safely as possible and blocked them when I felt ready.”

Then what? The rollercoaster of the healing process.

Just like you don't develop the courage of leaving such a relationship in one day, there is no magic button to erase all repercussions and become all smiles and giggles.

“I still actively deal with the repercussions of this relationship.

Most days I forget about them, which feels like a sort of revenge. Other days I struggle with nightmares and feelings of deep shame. It shaped how I chose partners afterwards, seeking out protection and confidence over emotional safety and a gentle nature. It also left me with physical repercussions as I developed Vaginismus during this time.

Therapy was my first real step towards healing. I needed the permission to call it what it was, because I had not felt empowered to previously. I also really put in work setting boundaries and healing my relationship with my body (exercising, doing self-care, doing boudoir shoots, refusing sex when it caused pain, etc.). My next relationship was unfortunately not a kind one, so after this I gave myself a much needed break."

Are you relating to any of this?

If so, you may want to read some of Eden's advice: "trust your intuition. Although I struggled to find clarity, there were many moments when my intuition told me I was unsafe, unhappy, and feeling violated.

I would also suggest that you believe people when they tell you who they are. Whether they outwardly label themselves as “bad” or show you through actions. You cannot heal someone through love and kindness. A dead plant won’t grow no matter how much you water it. You always deserve to come first and heartache does not last forever.

If you are losing perspective, then find an impartial third party like a counsellor or trusted person.”

If you need help, please refer to this link to find support in your province. You don't have to deal with this alone.

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Things to do if you know someone victim of domestic abuse

Disclaimer: This blog is part of our Unstoppable project and gather all the information we could find from different sources about domestic abuse. We are not expert in this field, if you are seeking help make sure to contact the appropriate service provider: here is a list to find help across Canada.

Domestic abuse is a social issue that many people have been facing since the beginning of time. But with the outbreak of Covid-19, the stress of life has risen and domestic violence has intensified (nearly a year into the pandemic reports of domestic assaults have almost doubled).

Abusers are finding new ways with those lockdowns to control their partners, leaving the victims with a level of support even lower than before: the opportunities to leave the house to find help (such as daily trips to and from school) have in many cases been eliminated, and access to friends and family has also been cut off.

The world for many domestic abuse victims can be lonely, isolated, and filled with fear. If you know or suspect that someone is a victim of domestic violence, finding the proper thing to say or to do might be difficult and scary. But it is important to learn how to handle those situations to be able to help instead of pretending it is not happening.

We all have a role to play in order to stop it and it starts with education!

What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse, also called “domestic violence” or “intimate partner violence“, is a pattern of behaviour used by one person to gain power and control over another person with whom they have or previously had an intimate relationship.

It can impact anyone, regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation, ethnicity, faith, education, or income level. Domestic abuse can be mental, physical, economic or sexual in nature.

If you want to understand more about domestic violence, we found this article written by United Nations. It also talks about signs to know if you are being abused, or if you abuse your partner.

To prevent and end domestic violence, first it is important to acknowledge and understand that victims never deserve, nor should be blamed for, the abuse they endure. Abusers are skilled at using power and control over their victims.

Second, we have to learn to recognize the signs and be willing to help. Even if it starts by just reaching out and letting the victims know we are there for them.

What to do when you see or suspect abuse?

Most of the time, the best way to help a victim of domestic violence is NOT by calling the police (except for emergency situations where someone is at immediate risk of being harmed), which can be dangerous for everyone involved.

Also for various reasons some victims and survivors may not want to involve authorities.

There are other important steps that friends, family members, and witnesses, can take to support victims and help them get to safety

If someone is at risk of or experiencing domestic violence:

• Believe what they are telling you, be supportive and listen.

• Ask what you can do to help,

• Be non-judgemental and let them make their own decisions.

• Offer to provide childcare while they seek help.

• Offer your home or another location as a safe space.

• Support them to create a safety plan which can include packing a small bag of essentials, arranging child care and/or care for pets, and opening a personal bank account in advance, among other things.

• Call one of the provincial crisis lines, your local shelter or service provider who supports survivors of domestic abuse.

• Call the police if it is an emergency.

If someone you know is an abuser:

• Tell them there are no excuses for abuse and they may lose their families, friends, homes and jobs if it doesn’t stop.

• Hold them accountable for their behaviour.

• Support their efforts to locate and obtain appropriate treatment.

• If you see abuse and suspect someone is in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police.

Here is also a list of other things you can do (such as getting help for yourself, how to hide your internet activities…).

Learn about the “Signal For Help”

“Signal for Help” is a simple one-handed sign someone can use on a video call. It can help a person silently show they need help and want someone to check in with them in a safe way. You can find all of the info here!

Domestic abuse is still nowadays taboo and viewed as a private, family matter. But it is not! We can end it by speaking up and supporting victims and survivors in restoring safety and autonomy!

As we mentioned previously, we all have a role to play. Juliette and I decided to organize an art exhibit to raise money for the Canadian Women’s Foundation and Sistering. The date is set for March 8th, 2022.

If you want to help us make a difference and stay in the loop, sign up below to get all the details closer to the date ⬇️

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Supported by the Ontario Arts Council