What to do if you are victim of domestic abuse

Disclaimer: This blog is part of our Unstoppable project and gather all the information we could find from different sources about domestic abuse. We are not expert in this field, if you are seeking help make sure to contact the appropriate service provider: here is a list to find help across Canada.

Last month we shared with you the steps you can take to help someone who is, or could be, victim or domestic abuse. In today’s blog we will be talking about what you can do if you are the victime. Please don’t hesitate to share this blog with people who might need it.

To prevent and end domestic violence it is important to acknowledge and understand that victims never deserve, nor should be blamed for, the abuse they endure. Abusers are skilled at using power and control over their victims.

What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse, also known as “domestic violence” or “intimate partner violence”, is a pattern of behaviours used by one person to gain power and control over another person with whom they have or previously had an intimate relationship (people who are married, living together, or dating).

IT CAN IMPACT ANYONE, REGARDLESS OF GENDER, AGE, SEXUAL ORIENTATION, ETHNICITY, FAITH, EDUCATION, OR INCOME LEVEL.

Those abuse are not only physical, but also includes any sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person (such as behaviours that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone).

Source: United Nations

If you want to understand more about domestic abuse, we highly recommend the mini serie called MAID. This movie showcases very well the struggles most people victime of emotional abuse are going through:

Recognize the signs

Since domestic abuse is about controlling someone’s mind and emotions before hurting their body, the signs are not always obvious. Victimes are often confused, scared, and not able to see their partner’s actions for what they really are:

Does your partner…

• Constantly diminishes you?

• Control your money?

• Isolates you, cutting you off from friends and family?

• Physically abuses you?

• Forces you to have sex or do intimate things against your will?

• Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?

• Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?

• Blame you for how they feel or act?

• Make you feel there is no way out of the relationship?

Do you...

• Sometimes feel scared of how your partner may behave?

• Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behaviour?

• Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?

• Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?

• Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?

• Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

If any of those are happening to you, don’t feel ashamed or scared to ask for help. Abuses will not stop until until you make the courageous decision to sick help.

What to do if you are being abused?

First of all, know you are not alone, and this is absolutely not your fault!

• CALL FOR HELP

Second, making the decision to get out if this situation can be hard and scary. The best way to get help is to start giving a call to the appropriate service provider:

- Canada: Domestic Violence Helpline at 1-800-563-0808. You can find more crisis hotlines for different provinces here.

- US: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233

Always call from a friend’s house, a family’s house, or anywhere else where you feel safe. If it is an emergency, call 911.

You can also reach out to people you trust in your circle. Remember, you are not alone!

• HIDE YOUR INTERNET ACTIVITY

Internet is the perfect tool to find information that can help you make decisions about your personal situation and find help. However, closing your browser does not erase the record of your internet activities. If you are concerned that your partner may be monitoring you, you have to learn how to hide your Internet activities.

Learn how to delete cookies from your computer here, and learn more about digital privacy here.

• HAVE AN EMERGENCY ESCAPE PLAN

Taking decision to leave can be very risky for the victims as they will have a greater risk of being killed by their abuser than if they decided to stay. Having an emergency safety plan set up, before leaving or before a crisis occurs, is a very important step.

- Hide a set of car keys, and pack a bag with extra clothes, important papers, money, medicines, and toiletries. You can keep it at a friend’s house or someone you trust.

- Have a safe place to go if you decide to leave. Here you can find different shelters within Canada if you cannot go to someone you trust.

- Have a prepared excuse to leave if you feel threatened.

- Have a code word so your kids, family, friends, or co-workers know you’re in danger.

- Have a list of emergency contacts, including trusted family or friends, local shelters, and domestic abuse hotline.

Sources: Verywell Mind & WebMD

The “Signal For Help”

“Signal for Help” is a simple one-handed sign someone can use on a video call. It can help a person silently show they need help and want someone to check in with them in a safe way. You can find all of the info here!

Domestic abuse is still nowadays taboo and very commun.

It is important to learn how to help the victims. Or if you are yourself the victime, learn to gather all the tools necessary for you and your child’s safety. Not being afraid to talk about this subject is also another important step in the fight against domestic violence.

We all have a role to play! Juliette and I decided to organize an art exhibit to raise funds for the Canadian Women’s Foundation and Sistering, two charities helping people victim of domestic abuse. The grand opening night is happening this March 8th, downtown Toronto. All the donations collected will be equally divided between those two charities.

Street harassment, a sad reality

You guys probably read or heard about the recent cases of street harassment happening to women in Toronto.

To sum it up: Some women have been followed by black SUV while they were walking alone downtown Toronto. The drivers ask them questions about directions, getting pushy if they don't reply and in some cases, other men came out of nowhere behind the potential victims.

Street harassment is a reality.

As scary as it is, unfortunately it happens all over the world, some countries being worse than others. Toronto might feel unsafe right now but for Juliette and I, it is so far the safest city we have lived in with London (England). France, on an another hand, is another story!

The goal here is not to scare you, neither to be defeatist, like: “well this is life, nothing we can do about it!”. We just want to tell you that all of us have to be aware of those situations, even if we have never experienced them. Knowing what to expect and potential dangers is important to be able to confront them.

We both unfortunately experienced those behaviours: being followed by men walking in the street or driving their car. Being catcalled, from whistles to insults such as:

“Hey f**king b**ch!”,

“You know I can r*pe you if I want!”,

“Come see me, I will put it deep!”,

“You have beautiful legs, at what time do they open?”…

But also been touched inappropriately (for Juliette) and been beaten up (for me).

And we are not the only ones! Ask any french women if they ever faced any danger in France due to men's behaviour, the answer will be yes and many times…

What we learn from a young age.

Street harassment is so common in France that most of the time you can forget about getting help from strangers as people don't even pay intention to those behaviours anymore. It has become so common that there are many rules we are taught from a very young age to avoid as much as possible any trouble. And we wanna share those rules and advice with you, which can be real life savers:

• Never stay too long at the same spot:

  If potential attackers see you are alone and waiting for someone, they will try to talk to you. Changing spots will make it more difficult for them and you can easily see if someone is following you.

• Show confidence:

  Chin up and look straight! Why do french women have resting b**ch face? To show no mercy to potential attackers. Those men are looking for easy victims, you have less risk to get in trouble if you give the impression you will fight back.

• Be aware of your environment:

  Walk like you know where you are going and always keep an eye on people (without staring). If they see you walking fast with purpose, you become a difficult target for them. Be also careful when you are listening to music. Always try to keep hearing what's going on around you.

• Walk on the sidewalk where you can see cars coming:

  Walking on the opposite side of driving cars is a great way to avoid being followed by one and it makes it easier to keep an eye on what can be potentially coming for you.

• Don't take risks:

  Don't make the decision at night to chose a risky itinerary because it saves you time to go home or because it looks pretty. It is not worth your safety! So when it is dark outside, avoid empty streets as well as parks. You wanna stay close to people, in bright and busy locations.

• Don't hesitate to ask for help:

  Talk loudly, scream, grab someone in the street or find shelter in places of business. It is better to alarm people for nothing and feel stupid about it, rather than keeping it quiet and really get in trouble. They will stay with you until someone you know come to help you.

• Listen to your guts:

  We don't say it enough: TRUST YOUR INSTINCT! If you feel in danger, it is probably for a good reason. Don't think twice, without showing fear remove yourself from the situation as soon as you can.

• In case you are in trouble: act batshit crazy.

  Those kind of men don't want to attract attention, so give it your best performance. Scream, make weird animal noises if you have to, catch them off guard and flee.

What can you do if you witness those behaviours?

Most of the time, people pretend they do not see anything when someone is in trouble is because they don't know what to do or they care about their own safety. But there are so many things you can do depending of the situation, you just have to educate yourself and get creative. Sometimes the simplest actions works. Check out Loréal's video for a few examples:

Those situations should not happen, but they unfortunately do. So if you witness someone being harassed or worse, please don't hesitate to help. You don't have to do it alone, you can gather people around you to help as well.

WE HAVE TO STICK TOGETHER TO HELP PEOPLE IN NEED!

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