Friends, today we are getting very intimate… If you are following us on social media you saw Juliette and I naked or in lingerie many times, but today’s blog really makes me feel vulnerable.
I never thought I would ever write about that, but here I am… and geez this is scary! I think this is the only thing in my life I have a lot of shame about.
Beside this feeling of shame, there is also the fact that it makes me feel like a joke. I claim being this open-minded, sexual ,and sensual being but yet I have a hard time reaching to what is considered as the Holy Grail of sexuality.
I was lucky to grow up with my mom with whom I could talk about everything. But the Orgasm topic is a tough one, mostly because I grew up feeling like if you don’t orgasm easily you are broken. Even though I surrounded myself with loving people, I never talk about it with them. The only person who knows is Juliette, and recently a couple of other people from our community.
Their support is what’s pushing me to be vulnerable and share about it today. I am hoping my story will help other women (adults and teenagers included) feeling less alone, more at peace with the female orgasm, and the fact it is ok to not orgasm or less often than you are “supposed” to.
DISCLAIMER: I am not specialized in sexuality and I am not a doctor. Everything I am sharing with you here is just based on my own experience. If you are seeking physical or mental health advice please reach out to a specialist.
The female orgasms and the pressure around it
As the title mentioned I don't orgasm often. Well actually let me be more specific: I rarely orgasm when I have sex with men. When I am pleasuring myself it is not an issue because I know my body and what turns me on. But when I am with someone I get too much in my head and it rarely happens (to give you an idea what rarely means to me: I can count on one hand the number of orgasms I had with partners since I started to have sex).
I was 17 when I had sex for the first time, I am now 32. At that time the topic of orgasm was still taboo and subject to a lot of jokes. I have heard so many comments from people around me (or in the movies) like this one below:
“I pity women who cannot orgasm, it must be so awful! I hope it will never happen to me!”
Those jokes, awful discussions, and BS around the female pleasure are extremely shameful and put a lot of pressure on our shoulders (women are already dealing with so many shit, it is something more we don’t need!).
Growing up, my references (which were probably the same for you) for the woman’s pleasure were coming from:
Magazines:
I remember all of those articles on how to come faster, how to please your man, what to wear to be more sexy, what to do and not do during sex… All of those were just about appearance and performance, full of misinformation.
Romantic movies (or adult ones):
You know those intimate scenes where the characters are having sex and the woman comes in only a few seconds (she got her elbow touched and boom, orgasm!) Also, don't get me started on the lack of foreplay 😡.
So in my teenager/young adult mind, I believed orgasms had to happen during each intercourse and had to come fast. But this was never the case for me and I did not understand why. Talking about it to anyone was difficult as I was afraid to be laughed at, and judged.
Pride had also a huge part in my silence. I did not want to “admit something was wrong” with me since I was feeling like I had to “fix this broken part of me”. Showing vulnerability is something quite recent in the self-development journey. We grow up believing we have to be strong all the time and never show any signs of weakness.
I now understand and know that not orgasming like society tells you to doesn’t mean you are broken, but at that time I did not know better so I learnt to adapt: AKA I started to fake my orgasms (I can imagine a lot of you raising your eyebrows, thinking how wrong that is, and you are probably right. Faking doesn’t solve anything but sometimes it is the only solution you find to get a little bit of peace of mind).
Everyone is different.
As I already mentioned, I am a sexual person: talking about sexuality was never an issue, I starting to touch and discover my body from a very young age (I was under five if I remember correctly). I always considered sexuality as something natural because it is the education I received from my mom (which I am really grateful for).
It is important for me to share that information with you to put everything back into perspective. It is easy to believe that if a woman doesn't orgasm it is because she doesn't know her body well or she doesn't enjoy sex. Of course it can be, but it is not always the case. It can be physical, it can be mental, it can be both. It really depends of each individuals, and their story, past, trauma, mental blocks, education, religion, community, health…
If you don’t already watch Layla Martin’s video, I highly suggest you do it. Her videos are always really helpful to me!
Partners and communication.
I feel very self-conscious right now to write this part because I have some of my exes following Scandaleuse and probably reading our blogs. But I cannot let out what I am about to say as it is an important part of my story and I know a lot of women will relate.
I have had around 25 partners, some were long term relationship, others were one-night stands or short terms. And I faked with all of them, I am not proud of that fact but it is the truth.
So you might wonder, did they ever noticed. Maybe some of them did, but most of them did not. And the reason is simple: I have always been good at finding stratagems to avoid talking about this lack of orgasms. Such as faking, or knowing how to make them come faster so I did not have to come at all (because most men believe that once they are done, it means you are too so they don’t even bother taking care of you).
And if you are thinking: “Fanny, it would have been healthier to simply communicate with them rather than avoiding that conversation!”. Well, every time I open up the topic with some of my partners, they took it personally, they thought that with them it would be different (men are proud creatures!). They never fully listened or tried to understand, and they ended putting more pressure on me. So most of the time I got very discouraged and I kinda gave up (which is not a solution either).
On top of that my relationship with men has always been complicated. I never fully trusted my partners, so expressing your feelings and setting boundaries up when you don’t feel comfortable with someone makes the process of communication really difficult.
Sexuality is much more than achieving orgasms
Women, are emotional beings. Our mind and body are deeply connected, so if we don't feel safe, if we are anxious, or any other reasons to not feel good in the moment, our bodies will not react positively during sex, and it gets really difficult to let go. Which can create for example lack of orgasm or pain.
Women also store most of their past trauma in their womb area which can make sexuality (especially penetrative sex) quite emotional and difficult.
Sexuality should be an act of pure pleasure and not a race for the best performance. Yes, orgasms feel amazing but we should not pressure ourselves to always achieve the grand finale (all gender included!).
Not having an orgasm doesn’t mean it wasn’t pleasurable! I wish my partners were able to understand that, instead of feeling frustrated because they did not make me come. It is something so deeply rooted in our beliefs that even a honest conversion with them did not make a difference. They simply refused to believe I had still a great time despite not having an orgasm.
Pleasure, consent, respect, and communication should be taught at school
Some people are really good at communicating to their partner how they like to be touched, or how to say NO. For other peeps it is more tricky.
I wished my sex education at school was deeper than using protection and fearing STDs. I wished they had taught us about other things that are as important like body discovery, pleasure, consent, respect, and communication. But because so many part of the sexuality are hidden from kids and teens, they use porn as their main reference (we did too), and porn is not the reality.
A better sex education would have been be game changer for many adults, it would have cut off so much shame around this subject.
Writing about this was much needed!
I haven’t published this blog yet and still feel nervous about it. The main reason why I waited so long before sharing this part of me with anyone is because I was afraid it will become a label. That people will stop seeing me as “Fanny who has a big heart and cares about the environment” and instead see me as “Fanny who cannot orgasm.” But someone told me:
“Well there is a higher chance they will see you as The Woman Who Dares To Talk About iI!”.
How powerful is that? 🤯.
I am not really giving you any solution here, because I am still searching what could work for me (but I already have an action plan - that is the business woman talking inside me). I am just hoping that if you relate to this blog it will help you in anyway possible.
By the way, here is what my action plan is if it can inspire you:
Opening my sexuality up to other genders: I always considered myself as pansexual and always thought I am interested by people rather than what they have between their legs, I just never had the opportunity to experience with another gender than cis male.
Choosing my partners better: I know what I want in my relationships so I have been “filtering” my potential lovers for a little while now. Even if it means being single for longer than usual.
Listening to my guts: We have a very strong and natural instinct that we unfortunately don’t listen to. So many times I had a little voice in my head and heart telling me to be careful because there was something weird with a person, or the situation was not right, and I chose to not listen and obviously got burnt. Well not anymore, now I am listening to my guts: if I don’t trust, I don’t go for it.
Learning to communicate better about my sexual needs: this one is hard for me, I never knew how to explain what I like or not to my partners, and I have forced myself so many times because I didn’t dare to say no or change the dynamic.
I really hope this blog will be helpful. You are not alone! Do not feel ashamed anymore or scared to talk about it with people you trust and love.
I am more than happy to talk about it publicly or privately for people who wanna have the conversation. You can reach out by email or social media 💛