A few weeks ago, I received a comment on one of my pole-dancing Instagram stories with a very thoughtful question:
“Why are you doing this? The way you have to show your butt to everyone… What is the point? I just don’t get it.”
Did someone call Judgment to the table? Many of us have a hard time starting facing judgement, especially when we want to start something new.. It is very easy for people to share their 2 cents on how you should live your life. While there is nothing much you can do about their behaviour, you can choose to handle the situation to your advantage.
Detach, to not waste your time.
So here I was, in my underwear, upside down on the pole, practicing a move, minding my own business. Then this message popped up and I started to wonder:
Why am I upside down on a pole?
Why am I half naked in my apartment?
Why do I share those online?
And so on until my mind was filled with enough random thoughts about my actions to the point that they made me question my entire being.
Hold on a minute here.
This simple message had me doubting myself and my choices? It made me think twice about sharing something that I actually love and that doesn’t hurt anyone?
Hell no.
I realized I had three options. I could:
- Let my anger out and tackled him with my words (tempting!);
- Spend my time starting a debate on how we live in a society where it is inappropriate for women to show their bodies but normal for men and how it is important to change mentality around that topic, or;
- Ignore his remark and keep my cool.
I went for the 3rd option.
Why? Because what this guy wanted was to criticize, not try to really understand and potentially change his way of thinking and beliefs. Getting into a debate to attempt to educate him was very tempting but I just knew it would have just left me feeling frustrated as hell. So I kept my cool, told him I would not go into details and wished him a good night.
Sometimes, You can absolutely have conversations with people, only if they come from a neutral and curious state of mind. If someone starts saying something with an undertone of judgement, you will not make them change their minds.
So don’t waste your time, and keep doing whatever makes you feel good, especially because…
It’s not about you anyway.
There will always be someone ready to negatively judge whatever you're doing. And the truth is: it has nothing to do with you.
Behind someone’s judgment is an insecurity of theirs shining through.
And they are projecting it on you. You poked at something that is uncomfortable to them. It reminds them of that one thing they wish they could work on but haven’t yet for whatever reason. Is it fair? Nope. Do we all do it? Yes.
Being aware of it gives you the chance to act differently in those situations. It makes it easier to let go of the negativity you are facing and even bring compassion to the table by asking this person what is really going on. (If you feel like it, of course. Again, pick your battles!)
No, detaching doesn’t make you selfish.
A lot of people, especially women, feel incredibly guilty not to listen when someone is giving them “advice” disguised in judgement. That's conditioning for you, the “be a good girl” kind of thing. If this is your case, here is a little reminder that can help: nobody knows your life better than yourself, therefore, the only person who can make decisions about it is… you. It doesn't mean you have to send everyone packing and that you don't care. But it means you don't have to accept everything coming your way.
It does not make you selfish or pretentious if you decide to not give a damn. You know you cannot please everyone.
You want to wear only blue clothes, go for it. You don't want kids, nothing wrong with that. You want to work in the sex industry, you do you my friend (no pun intended - or maybe a little!).