couple boudoir toronto

When giving love turns into caretaking.

I am a hopeless romantic. When I love someone, I go all out. I am probably the most loyal person you know. I hate to see people I love suffer and I would jump in to carry their burden in a second. After reading this, you can safely assume that this mindset has set me on a path of being a caretaker, a rescuer. The line between healthy loving and care-taking is very very thin in my world. It took me a very long time to even realize this and I only started dealing with this last year and it is work every. single. day. 

 
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This pattern is very easy to fall into.  

I feel like many women are like me. My mom is. Many of my girlfriends are too. We are natural caretakers to begin with. That's why it took me so long to even realize that how I was expressing my love wasn't right. Everytime I mentioned the arguments I was having with my exes, it always looked like I was right. I heard:

"you were just trying to help!"
"without you, he wouldn't be able to do anything anyway, he should thank you"
"you raise him up so much, and he is acting like that?". 

Except here is the deal: no one has ever asked me to raise them up. And I thought at first it was because I simply beat them to the punch by offering before they asked.

So I have put myself in long term relationships in which I was carrying all the weight and my boyfriends let me. I attracted the kind of men who needed more of a mother than a girlfriend, and I fell right for it multiple times. I was needed. So if I was needed, I was loved. And then I got frustrated.

The frustration and feeling let down are brutal

It's pretty simple to explain: you give, give, and give.
And they take, take, take
But you don't receive, receive, receive (or at least, not with the intensity you want). 

So you get bitter. You feel unloved, unvalued, taken for granted. Then you receive a tiny thing back from your partner . Hope rises, and you give it back x12 . And off you go with the same circle. Until you hear the nasty "I never asked you to do that" or "I will never change that". 

I was so damn lucky to bump into my current partner and future husband. He is the kind of man who gives in a healthy way, not in a "let me clean your shoes and give you my watch" way. He is not the kind of man who will take my caretaking because it is convenient to have someone do everything for you.

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Don't get me wrong, this wasn't easy to implement in my system. It's led to bad arguments, to uncertainty, and hurt.

But it made me realize what I was doing and how much I needed to break this pattern for my own well-being and my relationship.

Like I wrote previously, I am still dealing with this on a daily basis, and sometimes I hit a wall, especially when I don't really feel good about myself for whatever reason. I will give extra hard, in hopes to get some back to make me feel better. To feel like I am loved. And if I don't get it, I will question everything. Does he love me? Does he even care? What can I do to make him love me right now? What if he leaves me? Why isn't he giving me attention? 

And the list goes on. At some point, I even felt like a junky withdrawing from cocaine because I didn't get from him what I thought he should give me. And honestly, I am done with this.

if you have recognized yourself in anything here, let me share with you the reminders I tell myself when I am about to spiral again.

Erasing yourself won't give you more love.

Bending over backwards to please the other person will not make them give you more love. I have dropped plans to be with my partners. I have scheduled everything in my life around them, to be convenient, only to be disappointed as hell when they don't do it for me. I am not saying that we shouldn't compromise of course, but compromise comes for both sides, not just me. Being my own person is definitely way healthier for me, but also for my partner. I personally would be very bored with my partner was just a yes-man and letting me take the reins constantly.

Life is not a rom-com. 

I have always been a sucker for romantic movies and books. Those grand gestures, running under the rain to declare your love, rose petals in the wind, and kissing in slow-mo are my jam. My parents met in a crazy romantic way and I thought this was the token for the Relationship with a big R.

Except real life is not like that. A simple "I love you" before going to work is way more common than a big-ass gesture. So I am learning to notice all of the little proofs of love I am given on a daily basis, instead of feeling terrible because I haven't received a serenade in a while. 

You can accept love and not return it multiplied by 12.

My fiancé is the first man ever who has shown me love clearly, from our early days. I was so happy, I thought "this is it, I figured it all out" and I wanted more and more everyday. But my caretaking side took over, and I gave it back in such an intense way, it led him to feel smothered, and me to feel incredibly sad and misunderstood. Isn't it ironic how something with such a nice intention ends up making it so much worse?

So, now, if the love bug stings me and I am about to write a love novel, I wait and hold on to it rather than sending it right away. If I still feel like sharing later, I will, but the energy will have gone down to a more balanced level.

You gotta give yourself the love rather than counting on others to fill that void. 

You can only control your behaviour. Other people are not responsible for making you feel better, you are, they can only add an extra lovely layer to your solid foundation. Give yourself a hug and take yourself on a date my friend, you need to reconnect with your own company for a bit. 

Be kind and patient with yourself.

When I fall into this rabbit hole again, I feel like shit. I failed me, I failed my partner. What's wrong with me, how can I fix me? I am trying to apply my intense care-taking on me, which is obviously counter productive. Now, I am just trying to accept this is how I feel, that I don't need to do anything at the moment because it will go away. I don't need to find the "WHY" I am doing this again. My feelings don't define who I am, they are just passing through. Even better, there is NOTHING that needs fixing with me. Just improvements. And it takes time to improve something. The good news? It is only up from here. 

Working on yourself is not given to everyone. Many people who rather stay in their victim position, stuck in their patterns, and blame others for everything. So if like me, you have taken the decision to evolve into YOU 2.0, I am high-fiving you hard. You got this, one step at a time. 

And if you need extra guidance, our Limitless Program could be a great opportunity for you, make sure to check it out here.

Looking to boost your self-confidence & reconnect with yourself? Sign up for our FREE confidence challenge!

We can never be too careful: Boudoir Photography

Phase two of the quarantine is almost here which means you will finally be able to do that boudoir shoot you have been dreaming of those past months! The first step is choosing the perfect photographer based on your vision and that process can be bit overwhelming, especially if it is your first time. But this step is really important because you want your shoot to reflect your personality and most importantly, YOU WANNA MAKE SURE YOU WILL BE SAFE!

Boudoir photography is a beautiful experience and an incredible tool to fully reconnect with yourself and get intimate photographs of your badass-self. But since boudoir empowers sensuality, it sadly has the tendency to attract malicious people who use it as an excuse to assault women.

It is sad that we have to take so many precautions but this is the kind of world we live in. This is why it is important to be extra careful when you book your session and we will tell you everything you need to know so it never happens to you!

 
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You have less risks with female photographers.

I am sorry gentlemen I am not saying you are all the same, I know a lot of male photographers are very respectful to women. The goal of this post is not to put every men in the same basket, I just want women to feel comfortable when they're about to stand in lingerie or naked in front of photographers.

I have been working in the photography industry for 10 years and I have never heard stories of women assaulting their clients. Unfortunately, it seems to happen with some men and I am not only talking about the relationship between male photographers and women clients as it also happens between male clients and female photographers: 9 times out of 10, when we get an inquiry from a man, they turned out sketchy. For example, some have asked us to dress up sexy so they can feel turned on during the shoot. We have never gotten any bad emails from women.

Professionals are a go-to

We didn't spend years to learn our craft just to have a piece of paper to look pretty on a wall. Photography is a real career and doesn't only require to press the trigger.

So please, I am begging you, hire professional photographers who have a proper website, social media and reviews. Stop going on Kijiji or Craiglist to find the person who will take intimate pictures of yourself in his basement. This is how problems start most of the time!

 
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Safety first

It is really easy with the internet to pretend to be someone else. As mentioned above, some men uses "boudoir" photography to get closer to women and get them to pose them naked in very sexualized poses. Sometimes, it doesn't go any further that just bad taste, but in other cases, nightmares have happened with women getting assaulted.

This is why it is important to meet your photographer face to face in a public place, a proper photography studio or at least on skype (actually this rule should apply in our every day life, we can never be too careful!).

We personally always, always, always meet our potential clients before starting anything. We have refunded a deposit because we did not feel safe. Plus it is pretty nice to talk about your photo shoot around a cup of coffee and pastry, isn't it?!

Also, know that you should be allowed to bring someone with you. If the photographer says no, leave, it's a red flag.

Last but not least: we know pricing is a big factor when choosing your photographer and it is why some women go for cheap photography services without thinking of the risks behind. Don't you think it will be better to postpone the shoot to save up what you need and get breathtaking photographs of yourself and a proper boudoir experience?

Do your own research

The good thing with internet is you can track people to see if they are serious and professional.

  • Read the reviews people leave on google, forum and other websites. It will give you a good overview of the person and the company.

  • Don't hesitate to ask questions to your photographer and tell her/him if you feel anxious. Your photographer should care about your feelings and do his/her best to reassure you. If the photographer doesn't really reply to your questions, keep them unclear or doesn't explain to you how the session will go, then go with someone else.

Trust your instinct

Either you go with a female or male photographer, there is one think you should always do: FOLLOW YOUR GUT!! 

The human body is very powerful for this and we are most of the time able to feel when something or someone is wrong.

If you have a bad feeling about the person who is going to do your photo shoot, don't go through with it.

 
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The recap:

• Avoid Kijiji or Craiglist.
• Always meet with your photographer(s)
• Check the company's reputation with reviews or referrals.
• Have a contract signed and the details of the session laid out before the day of. Everything has to be crystal clear.
• Bring someone with you or let someone know where you will be and when you'll be done.

Stay awesome but more importantly: stay safe.

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How I Met My Business Partner

Episode 1 : From Paris to London.

 
 

Hello Little Scandals,

Juliette here! As you know, there are two Scandals-en-chef behind Scandaleuse. Fanny and I are lucky to have a rare relationship. A very strong bond that was built over the years. Not to say that we agree on everything, we are not Barbie dolls surrounded by unicorns, but we have been pretty lucky to find each other.

So that's the story for today: how we met.

(Fanny doesn't know I am writing this at the moment. Surprise!)

 
2012, and already taking lingerie photos....

2012, and already taking lingerie photos....

 

Paris, September 2009. I am 17, Fanny is 19. I am from the middle of nowhere in the North of France and Fanny grew up in Paris' suburbs. We officially met for the first time when both of us sign up for Photography school in Northern Paris. Two young women trying to chase their dreams and learn the craft that Photography is.

The first things I remember about Fanny are:
• She was ALWAYS wearing heels
• She had to have her coffee from that crappy machine we had in the hall multiple times a day.
• Her nails were different color every week. Like seriously, that was the fun fact of every other Monday.

I felt like she was such a grown-up compared to me & my black nails, because y'know I am rock'n'roll.

We spent the first year of school becoming friends but nothing crazy. We both had other girls we bonded with. Turns out both of these lovely girls ended up leaving after the first year and Fanny and I kept going for the second part of the program.

I guess this is when we started becoming close. I was slowly struggling with this school that I didn't like, seeing Fanny was pretty much the only thing that made me go. We modelled for each other's assignments. We did random shoots when no one was taking care of us.

She was always game to follow my crazy ideas of creating dresses out of curtains and go shoot in a public park in Paris.

 
Yep, this was one of first sessions!

Yep, this was one of first sessions!

#artplease

#artplease

 

I wanted more than the school. I wanted to travel. I didn't go through the program and didn't do the last year. Fanny kept going and I found another school than led me to London to work as an assistant for a photographer there.

Surprisingly, my leaving made us stronger than ever. Over the span of 8 months, I did my internship and went back home. Fanny had that tickle to travel then and I desperately wanted to go back to London. "You should come with me" I told her one day on October 2012.

Later that month, I got a phone call:

"I am coming with you, let's do it" she said.

Tickets were bought the same day, we packed our bags and left two weeks after.

The day we left for London with 3000 bags.

The day we left for London with 3000 bags.

To this day, the moment when both Fanny and I were in the Eurostar, on the way to London-St-Pancras, is one of the most powerful moments of my life. We were both very serene. We were doing something kind of crazy, leaving our friends and family behind, to go to a city Fanny didn't know and I was barely familiar with. City where people speak another language we didn't really know. No jobs, no apartments, just our thirst for adventure. Yet everything felt like it was meant to be.

After writing this, I realize than we are going to need at least another post to tell you guys how we ended up in Toronto.

Stay tuned Little Scandals.

 
 

I had to end this blog post with some vintage pictures of us. Here we go, yours truly!